Friday, September 6, 2013

So it is.

So today I turn 27 years old.  I fucking hate celebrating my birthday, I always get so melancholy and morose.  I think part of the reason is because throughout childhood my birthday usually fell during the first week of school, which I always dreaded with intensity. 

But now I’m an adult or something like that.  And what the hell do I know?  I wait for validation in the form of birthday wishes that pour out of Facebook from people I only hear from once a year.

Cheer up old lady!  Everything gets better with age; our tastes become more refined, our minds sharpen, and a level of sophistication emerges.  Or so I was led to believe.

As an adolescent I once decided I would not live past the age of 30.  Now that I am fast approaching 30 I have decided to question such an absolute proclamation.  Is life really that futile?  Or am I just that much of a pessimist?  Nonsense, I see beauty in everything and good in everyone.  Granted, this almost always backfires in epic proportions. 

So why don’t I share my 27 truths of the moment?

1.  I am feeling really knocked the fuck out.
2.  My heart is so full of love.
3.  I am more driven by money than I care to admit.  Because to me, money = airplane travel.  That’s really all I want it for.
4.  I’ve decided to do away with my “absolute-ism” ways.  I always thought it had to do with having principles but actually it was just me being stubborn as fuck.
5.  I genuinely think that all people have good intentions and don’t mean to intentionally hurt others.
6.  I am a moron.
7.  When I got a tooth ache for the first time, I really wondered if it would ever end.  Like what if my condition stayed like this forever and I just had to learn to live with it?  Same with my first real heart break.  I thought it would never end.  Now I know there are solutions to everything, some more internal than others.  I spend every day searching for these solutions.
8.  The problem with me is that everyone is a consolation prize.
9.  I do not meditate nearly as much as I should.  But Buddhist philosophy would dissuade one from thinking in terms of “should” and “should not”.  That being said, I really should meditate more.
10. The day I realized that I am the product, I felt simultaneously empowered and dehumanized.  This might have been yesterday…
11. I think about my closest friends more than I’ll admit.
12. I am nowhere near as angry as I was a year ago.  Or even 6 months ago.  I am beyond thankful for this.
13. I am attempting to engage in the power of positive thinking.  Stop laughing, just bear with me.
14. I often times have to remind myself that I am lot further now in my career than I was a year ago but I tend to feel like I’ve covered no ground.  And I know that’s just not true. 
15. I’m slowly waking up.
16. 16?!  11 more to go?!
17. I can be pretty petty sometimes. 
18. I can also take a lot more than people think.
19. I have invisible conversations.
20. I am drinking way too much Coca Cola these days.
21. I am so scared.
22. I am so curious.
23. I got fired from a job for being too pretty.  It happened.  Thank you for the condolences.   
24. My heart is heavy with longing for so many people scattered around the planet whom I cannot see nearly as much as I’d like to.
25. I wonder what’s going to happen to me.
26. I wonder what’s going to happen to you.

27. Only half this list is true.

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