Monday, August 12, 2013

Unfinished Entry

Does laziness lead to fear or does fear lead to laziness?  Why does it feel like a circular problem to me?

In looking at my life and career choices, I see a lot of fear and laziness walled up inside my brain.  And I don’t really know where it came from.  When I was younger, I was such a “tough cookie”.  I would never fucking surrender and I fought for everything I accomplished.  Relentless, I suppose.  I just couldn’t give up.  But then at some point I started cutting corners and avoiding pain, physically and otherwise.  And now as an adult, I can see where it seriously affected me.

And I wonder, what the fuck happened?

When did I become so doubtful and afraid?

Sowing the seeds of doubt leads to paranoia and neurosis, both of which I admittedly fall victim to on a near hourly basis (if not more) and knowing this full well you’d think I would have figured out how to work around it by now.  And there are times when I do but mostly, it’s a struggle that I cannot quite keep up with.  Still working on it…..