Some days I go about thinking, "Today is going to be the best day of my life!"
But then the day goes on and reality sets in that I fucking hate everything and want to die.
Friday, March 8, 2013
I woke up yesterday feeling incredibly sensitive and vulnerable. I had had a bad dream of a recurring theme and awoke to the foreboding feeling that the day was going to feel very morose.
Then later in the day I got a call from my agent that I booked a Scion car commercial that I initially auditioned for the previous week. I was in shock and elated. I truly thought I wouldn’t book the job because I missed the callback audition due to another commercial shoot. But my agent was able to spin it in a good way and got me booked regardless. I felt so grateful to have had an agent to sell me like that and to have booked something so cool from only one audition when everyone else had to go through two. I felt a sense of accomplishment and rather content.
And today after a successful and fun photo shoot, I got a call from my agent telling me I booked yet another job, this time a commercial for Acer featuring the techno giant Tiesto. I was even more shocked because I really wasn’t expecting this. I thought that booking 2 commercials in the last 2 weeks was fortune enough. I couldn’t have asked for more.
Last week I auditioned for a top-secret commercial project where I was asked to dance. I booked that job as well and shot it this past weekend. It was a long and challenging shoot but worth every minute as it featured some incredibly brilliant artists who have the ability to get the world standing on its feet whenever they perform. So I’m pretty proud to have been involved in their world for 2 days.
I feel incredibly fortunate and grateful right now, totally aware of what a blessing these past 2 weeks have been for me. I know that as a model and actor, it is hard to know when my next job will be and what kind of paycheck I can hope to receive. Booking 3 major commercials in 2 weeks could be it for me this year- an early peek- or it could be the beginning of many more. I have no idea. It scares me immensely to be quite honest.
I keep waiting to feel some sort of fulfillment in this accomplishment. I’ve been doing lots of personal work on myself to build myself into a stronger, healthier, and more positive thinking person. Sometimes I succeed and feel rather okay with my life. Other times I fall flat on my face and struggle with basic functioning. It is a process, a very difficult and tedious process that I don’t always want to go through. I feel myself slowly recovering from a great deal of hurt and rejection that it’s somewhat ironic that I chose the path I have- to be a model and an actor in Los Angeles- two very unforgiving jobs filled to the brim with rejection, scrutiny and competition. But I try to remain confident and focused on myself and what I have to offer and learn. Again, it’s a struggle each and every day.
I know now that personal fulfillment cannot be found through work, money, or a relationship; that is has to be found from within. I’m truly searching for my own meaning on this journey.
I win some and lose some.