Saturday, January 2, 2010

Floating in a Dream-like State

I don't even know what this is.

I'm just going.

It is amazing how the heart can change. So quickly, so simply, so inexplicably. At a mere 23 years old, I can hardly claim wisdom but I do know that I've learned a lot in the past 2 years, perhaps more new information in the last 2 years than in the previous 20. I have no idea as to why this is. It seems as if I have been living through most of my life in a dreamlike state. As if I were just floating through the day to day.

All my memories of those times are a blur. Life didn't seem to become clear until sometime after turning 21. I know I moved to London. The beginnings were strange. At some point things became clearer and I began to understand myself a little better, but remained mostly uncertain.

Upon turning 22, things became blurry again. I don't even remember much of my last few months in London. I only remember how I felt, but not so much what happened or with whom.

I returned to Los Angeles feeling utterly annihilated. I remember eating a lot, watching TV, reading, and eating some more. Nothing spectacular.

I moved to Israel and turned 23. And now everything is so bitterly clear to me. And by bitter, I mean harsh, uncensored, and painfully obvious.

Through discussions, novels, and self reflection, I've come to numerous revelations about myself, my situation, my immediate surroundings, and the world in which I live.

It's actually slightly unbearable.

I've learned that nothing is permanent. No one is permanent. Everything and everyone comes and goes. I've realized that I don't miss the things or people I thought I couldn't live without. It's as if it never mattered to me. I know that which I most desire at this point will only change in a matter of time and I will have completely changed my mind. I cannot remain the same for too long. Or perhaps I have remained the same all along...

No. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago, or even 2 months ago. Would I even recognize myself now?